and i can be tender ordering a croissant and staring up at a raccoon napping in yellow leaves and joking with the old man at chelsea flea and hugging a friend on my blue couch and smiling and tearing up in costume and in an uber

and today i woke up at 8:30am and went to prospect park and kicked around osage oranges and saw six hermit thrushes and almost got a woodpecker bingo and wandered away to see the orange foliage over the turtles in the lake.

and then i cried on the uptown Q train and no one cared in a way that was mostly cathartic because i don’t think i have anything to hide from this city anymore.

and then i bought six buttons and six CDs and a bangle and a beanie baby at the flea market and went home and cut up cardboard and took a nap. and then i went to a sushi birthday dinner (fernie) and a housewarming in hell’s kitchen (luke) and a double birthday in williamsburg (zane & lola) and caught the end of D5 shift (hannah & taylor)

and i call it what it is: good & goodnight

call it what it is

in bed at night my head tilts on my pillow and i face the moon

can't tell if this is pink or yellow
i want rebecca purple
alice blue

i want to be a christmas tree
i want to be a fern
want to kill my cigarette

i smoke with the security guard
and the uber driver
and nothing

\╰╲◟       
    ⸝⸝◞☰⚍—
/  ⁄  ∕ ◜

long weekend ::

saturday :: bike to prospect park / birding / vintage bookseller / rooftop brunch w free margaritas / boba / upper east side / taryn simon at the guggenheim WOW / book bar

sunday :: hudson line / lore's cafe / dia beacon : michael heizer & haegue yang & tehching hsieh / wet socks & wet shoes / train platform / pasta / early bed

monday :: craft morning / running housewarming errands all day / framing / puzzling

taryn simon's 'father country i do love you' exhibition at the guggenheim

maybe most fantastic use of the space i've ever experienced

walk up and forward
placenta towards dementia
preserved on ice and in glass
chance and circumstance
vengeance and grief and apathy
resist and watch gravity
rolling rolling rolling
then down and backwards

"death happens to others, it will not happen to me"

tshirt quilt from etsy, niagara falls, mcdonalds, bedazzled gifts, wiretapped phone, blinding explosion, glowing kryptonite, three-eyed dog, home-cooked meal, auctioned-off belongings, hallmark cards, pointing, homesickness, touch museum, tortoise dens, "an image is like being alive twice."

i love my city 
i love becoming my city
i love when it’s fall in my city 
and the sun is precious 
i love the people in my city
and their cool hats
and their used books
i love the animals in my city 
especially the dogs

1. i feel most beautiful in the morning

2. that's what i prefer to imagine

pack my contact case in my bag.

do my skincare when i get home, put on my retainer and leave my shoes in the hallway.

buzz and flip and flip, no, not badly enough, look in the mirror, revisit tomorrow and thank god nothing too much, just safely stacked 1 by 1 blocks in a grid.

and i’m cool !!

enough with shame, enough with skepticism

many tiny flames, cup a hand around each. 
you and you and you and this and this and that.
flickering by the days, by the weeks.

today i bought a washburn b9 banjo off facebook marketplace from a man named chris in bloomington new jersey. 

my phone was low on battery and died on the way but luckily i transcribed the NJ transit directions onto my bookmark just in case but it didn't really matter because my train got cancelled so i had to read the big schedule chart anyway. 

and i had a lovely evening slowly making my way home and reading my book in various trains/stations with my banjo wrapped in a purple bedsheet and sealed with packing tape next to me.

there is no problem or issue and there is no answer and there is no needing to be more and life is one big bit and orbs are everywhere

floating shelf crashed off my bedroom wall in the middle of the night with all my books and plants on it.

good to remember that even if there are holes in my wall and piles of dirt on my pillows there are very few things that are actually catastrophes and emergencies and i can laugh and cry and then vacuum and pick up tylenol and it'll be monday and perfect weather again.

salt tracks

go pick up a rock and carry it around the city and then bring it to my room, go to whole foods and they’re out of white beans and rest

pearl in my fingertips
fur strip on pavement 

then again

my family plays the same card game every time we're in a restaurant or on a trip. my dad played it with his brothers growing up but when you google it nothing comes up so it's a word-of-mouth kind of game i guess. 

i taught it to my girl friends last week and now we've been playing it in my apartment and on the train and at brunch and at picnic tables and at bars and last night we taught it to some random irish woman who invited herself to sit down at our table.

what good is it to know things if you don't put it into practice

labor day weekend

saturday // prospect park birding + read in park + flea market + astoria housewarming + macy dj set at d5

sunday // day trip to cold spring: grand central + bijou antiques + brunch + more antiques + lie in the grass + moo moo ice cream + feet in the hudson + train home + stop at brandy melville + orange chicken for dinner + amc 19th st + finally seeing the odyssey (exactly what i expected it to be)

monday // day trip to coney island: unlimited pass + spinning skateboard + superman + playing cards + 4 rides on the cyclone + 7 corndogs + 5 lemonades + 3 hot dogs + 2 beers + 1 cider + 1 cheese fries + 1 funnel cake + 4 matching airbrush tattoos

set up dominos, lean forward, topple from one into the next

tuesday into a friday into a friday into a tuesday into a saturday into a wednesday 

squeeze above the knee

things i bought in august

felt tip pen from blick
custom stickers for hannah
custom stickers for frankie
$175 worth of alcohol
$36 worth of heytea
red duffle bag
lorde summer tour shirt
cropped sweatpants  

august

1 moved out of apartment
20-23 wisconsin

i want it all i need it all i want it all i need it all and i ride a citibike listening to simon and garfunkel and my heart beats so fast from coffee or from something

drive to get coffee
and walmart for groceries
three days in a row

purple sunset, loon call
corn, card game, campfire, dogpile
drizzle on the lake

we’ve become siblings
decide who i am
learn to float again